THE PARANOIA OF THE WEEK!

This may not, clinically, qualify as a paranoia but I'm really concerned about the swiftly declining accessibility to my America OnLine account and my access to the internet. I've heard that AOL lowered their rates to get more subscribers because they were deeply in debt and, now that they've got a lot of subscribers, they can't handle the volume. I'm not sure what they expected. My fear is that the on-line industry is incapable of running their business. They seemed to think they could sign up as many people as they wanted without any thought to how they would handle the traffic. Typical short-sighted American business planning, I suppose.

I've even heard rumors, or maybe I'm starting one, that AOL will soon be offering unlimited access for new members to all their services for a monthly fee of only $2.95. As long as the new members promise never to use those services.

This got me wondering. Maybe the government planned this big on-line mania so they could get people addicted to their computers. Then they could control us, subliminally, through our computers. For example, when I try to log on to my Internet Service Provider, I see this little, hypnotizing red square that moves back and forth, back and forth along a dotted line. I could do other things while I'm waiting to get a connection, especially since it sometimes moves back and forth, back and forth for 10-15 minutes before finally connecting (if it ever does connect) but, for some reason, I just sit there and watch it. Back and forth, back and forth. Could this hypnotism be the government's way of controlling us? Who knows what kind of subliminal programming is being fed into my brain while I watch that little red square move back and forth, back and forth.

But then again, maybe I am just being overly paranoid about this after all. It's just a technical problem and I'm sure the FCC will take care of it as they see fit. Back and forth, back and forth. In the mean time, I think this may be a good day to tear up my copy of the constitution. I've been meaning to do that for a while now, haven't I? Back and forth, back and forth. Yes, of course I have. Haven't we all? Then maybe I'll mosey on down to the local FBI office and surrender all my alcohol, tobacco and firearms to Janet Reno. Yes, that's what I have the urge to do. Back and forth, back and forth. Well, I've got to go now, but remember, the U.N., the black helicopters and those little red squares are our very best friends. Back and forth, back and forth. See you next week!

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