This week we should all be paranoid about numbers. Specifically about those four digits that the IRS, the mail order companies and other world powers append onto the end of our zip codes. What are these numbers used for? What do they mean? Are they used to track potential UFO abductees? Do the numbers have any significance?

I spoke to a numerologist recently (a numerologist is someone who studies numers - which are like numbers without the "b") and he told me these four digit numbers can be used to predict the future. He said if I looked at my zip code long enough and meditate on it I would come up with a meaning in the digits and I'd understand its implications on the future. I looked at both numbers, since I appear to have two of them. Some of my junk mail comes with the suffix of 3349 while most of my magazines have it as 3350. I chose the first one to meditate on - for pretty random reasons.

I started with "33" since that was the first part and it would be pretty boring to meditate on "3" and then have to meditate on the second "3" all over again. Well, having attended a catholic school, I recalled that "33" is the age that Christ was when he died. So what does this tell me? Is someone or something going to die this week?

Then I looked at the "4" and the "9". I was short on time, so I decided to take them as one number: "49". This could be a very significant number. It's the name of a major football team in this part of the country but, since it's not football season, I decided it should be associated with the great gold rush of 1849.

So ... something related to gold is going to die. Could this be a warning that the stock market is going to crash? Is the Dow Jones Industrial average going to fall from its recent high well above 10000 all the way back to 3349? Or will it just fall back to 3350? I guess it depends which piece of junk mail you're looking at. According to some of my junk mail this is truly the case. And if I send them $3349 I can learn how to survive the coming stock crash and reap enormous profits from it.

After realizing this important prophecy I immediately overdrew my checking account to pay for this vital information. After all, I'll be so rich after the crash that I'll be able to pay it off many times over again. But after a few days I started to be overcome by panic. What if these investment gurus are wrong? What if I just fell for another direct mail marketing scam? Oh well, that's another paranoia for another week.

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