The paranoia sweeping the nation this week is airline saftey, or the lack of it, that we have in our ever-growing commercial airways. I'm not just talking about the near collisions, the shabby maintenance and the fact that the U.S. military sometimes uses commercial jets for target practice. Those are all valid paranoias , I'm sure, but my concern this week is with airline food. Specifically, the mustard-flavored pretzels that they've been passing out on airlines lately.

In the old days, when you got on a plane, they gave you a bagful of peanuts. Peanuts are an honest-to-goodness snack that you can eat and feel like you've digested something. Peanuts have protien and salt and other nutrients in them. But these pretzels they're giving out these days, they have mustard in them. I hate mustard. Why do people eat mustard? For years, the military has been making poisonous gas out of mustard, and the airlines decide they should put it in pretzels and give it to us as food? What's next? Napalm biscuits?

As if the other airline food isn't bad enough, now they have to go and ruin the snack, too. We already know better than to touch the dried up chunk of chicken, the pukey pasta, the green ham sandwiches, and I don't even want to think about the airline omlettes. But, just when you thought they couldn't ruin a snack that came in a vacuum sealed package, they replace the peanuts with mustard-flavored pretzels.

So, if you're flying on an airline this week, especially if it's a replacement flight with a replacement pilot and replacement flight attendants, and if you survive the long lines of irate passengers, and if your plane doesn't crash in a spectacular ball of flames that some tasteless tourist videotapes and sells to Real TV. If you get through all of that, just keep in mind that the mustard in those cheap replacement pretzels they are trying to feed you is also used to poison soldiers on the battlefield. Enjoy!

If you have a favorite paranoia, send us an email about it. If we use it in a future Paranoia of the Week we will take full credit for it ourselves!

Click here for the previous Paranoia of the Week

Click here to go back to the Paranoidal Home Page.