Frequently Asked Questions

What is the Internet?

What is the World Wide Web?

Where can I find pictures of naked people?

Why does eating granola always give me a lot of gas?

What ever happened to the actress who played Mindy on the old Mork and Mindy TV show?

Smart Ass Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

Q:

What is the Internet?

A:

The internet was originally a top secret project which was intended to allow the U.S. Government and the Soviet Union to spy on each other. Highly skilled scientists were paid to devise a list of passwords that only the spy agencies of the two countries would know about. These ingenious cryptographers constructed a short list of clever passwords like "guest", "anonymous", "me" and perhaps the most clever password of all: "password".

The project went along quite nicely and the spies began leaving fun little gifts for each other on their computers like dirty jokes and pornographic images. This attracted the attention of ambitious college students who soon discovered the internet and its treasures. Before long the internet was full of pornography, lascivious messages and nerdy computer games.

When the governments found out that students had broken their secret codes they had to abandon the secretiveness of the project so the internet became a research network. In other words, it became a place for college students to distribute dirty pictures and to exchange theories about UFOs and psychic phenomenon. This is pretty much the state the internet is in today.

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Q:

What is the World Wide Web?

A:

The world wide web is a way of viewing information on the internet. It consists mostly of files formatted with HTML, or the hideous-text-mangling-language. These files can be viewed with a special tool called a browser, which is a software tool with built-in intelligence that allows it to seek out important files like the Greater Cleveland License Plate and Flashlight Collector's Home Page.

The world wide web is a great tool for educators, advertisers and, of course, pornographers. Advertisers can put an image on your screen and count how many times someone will click on it. Advertisers are constantly amused by this because an image on a web page will always show the same picture that it showed the first time it was clicked. If you click on a web image multiple times, it tells advertisers that you are likely to order their product on-line just out of sheer boredom.

Pornographers like the web because you can view a picture as soon as it is copied to your computer. Pornographers use small, fuzzy, out-of-focus pictures to lure deprived web surfers to pay for a full image of naked people. After e-mailing their credit card number, a customer can then download a larger, fuzzy, out-of-focus picture. If he wants to see an in-focus picture he'll have to pay $12,000 for a higher resolution display monitor, which explains why most commercial porn sites on the web are owned by the makers of display monitors.

Educators like the web because it gives you access to tons of information. The fact that most of it is useless is only a minor drawback. The major drawback of the web is its speed (or lack of it.) You can move from one web page in North America to another one in New Zealand at the click of a mouse button, but, unfortunately, displaying that page from New Zealand can take a lot of time. This is why having access to the web is like having every book in the world at your fingertips, but every time you want to turn the page, you have to put in an order at Denny's.

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Q:

Where can I find pictures of naked people?

A:

Email us your visa card number and we'll send you some for a nominal fee.

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Q:

Why does eating granola always give me a lot of gas?

Those big brown crunchy things in granola are actually chips of uranium oxide. When this is ingested, a minor nuclear reaction, sometimes known as cold fission, takes place in the digestive system. A major by product of this reaction is helium gas. People who eat too much granola have been known to float away like hot air balloons and sometimes don't come down until they are miles from where they started. If you want to have some fun, try inhaling the gas as you expel it. It will make your voice sound really funny.

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Q:

What ever happened to the actress who played Mindy on the old Mork and Mindy TV show?

A:

Who really cares?!

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