Q:Dear Dr. Saucer, I heard you could help people with problems that conventional doctors can't heal. Well, I've had a problem that no doctor has been able to heal to my satisfaction. It's kind of embarrassing so please don't print my name on the World Wide Web for all the universe to see. My problem is acne. That may not seem so embarrassing but it's on my butt. It gets very uncomfortable just to sit down sometimes because I have so many pimples on my butt. I've been to several medical doctors and none of them has been able to make the problem go away. Do you know what I can do?
A:Dear JohnDouglas@blackhead.com. You shouldn't be embarrassed that you have pimples on your butt. Everyone has this problem from time to time. If you have a chronic problem with pimples on your butt, however, you might be a victim of alien abductions. Some aliens have been known to make their abductees sit naked on starchy uphostered chairs while they wait to be examined and your pimples could be an allergic reaction to this. I recommend you call my office to schedule an appointment so I can hypnotize you and allow you to recall these abduction experiences. As for the pimples, try an over-the-counter antihistamine.
Q:Dear Dr. Saucer, I have always had a problem with hang nails. My fingernails just won't grow without breaking off and hanging down. I try to keep them short and trim but I still have a problem with hang nails. Do you know what I can do about this?
A:One of the main causes of hang nails is alien abduction. Abductees are constantly having problems with hang nails. One theory is that the aliens actually remove the nails and replace them with synthetic ones that don't grow back correctly. Please come in for a hypnosis session and we'll get to the bottom of this alien abduction that appears to be hidden in your past.
Q:Dear Dr. Saucer, I am a nubile, young 18-year-old woman who craves the attention of men. I have always been faithful to my boyfriend but now I think he is having an affair with another woman. He tells me he wants me to stay home when he goes out with "the guys" and all I can think is that he is with another woman so I may as well be having an affair with another guy. Do you think my jealousy is unreasonable?
A:Persistent jealousy is a common problem among victims of alien abductions. The only way to discover whether this is a valid feeling of jealousy or a deeper, hidden, more serious problem, is to come in for a hypnosis session at my office where I can get you into a naked - I mean a controlled environment so I can examine the situation carefully. Please call soon for an appointment.
Q:Dear Dr. Saucer, I am a young, attractive woman at the peak of my sensuality. I should be happy in my life and I would be if it weren't for this terrible problem with tooth sensitivity. My teeth are extremely sensitive to cold temperatures like cold drinks but they aren't really affected by heat. My dentist said he can't see anything wrong. What do you think is causing this?
A:There are many possibilities for this problem but the most likely one is that you were abducted by aliens who planted tracking devices into your teeth. You should come to my office as soon as possible and get naked so I can scan you with my Quartz Crystal Tomography Scanner. It scans naked women in the peak of their sensuality for alien implants and disturbances in their aura. If you can't come in person, you can send me a naked picture of yourself and I can scan the photograph. For best results we'll need several photographs of you in several different poses.
Q:Dear Dr. Saucer, I am a middle-aged, overweight man with a number of health problems, including acne, servere halitosis and chronic body odor. I don't really care about those problems, though, I've learned to live with them. I am writing to you because I have this problem with tooth sensitivity. My dentist doesn't see anything wrong but I can't get over this problem with tooth sensitivity. I have experienced several hours of missing time over the past few years and I was wondering if I might have been abducted by aliens and had tracking devices or something placed in my teeth. Does this sort of thing ever happen? If so, is there anything I can do to find out if that's what happened to me?
A:Gargle twice a day with a flouride rinse. That should take care of your tooth sensitivity.
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